


Meant To Be

by betsybo



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Angst, Character swap, Episode: s08e04 Cassandra, Internalized Homophobia, Love Confessions, M/M, Mentions of Death, Mildly Dubious Consent, Near Death Experiences, No actual sex, Prophecy, Season/Series 08, Secret Crush, Sort Of, crackish, i think, kind of, someone predicts they have sex so they nearly do, yet - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-09
Updated: 2018-10-09
Packaged: 2019-07-28 14:41:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16243748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/betsybo/pseuds/betsybo
Summary: An AU for the ending events of Series 8, Episode 4 ‘Cassandra’, where it’s Lister who ends up stuck with Rimmer in the SS Silverberg.





	Meant To Be

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own anything!
> 
> Series 8 isn't always the strongest, IMO, but I couldn't stop thinking of this scenario so here we are. Some dialogue lifted from the show but not too much I hope.
> 
> Tentatively tagging dubious consent as I’m not sure where this scenario falls on the scale. I always thought it was a little dodgy to be honest. (Mind you, Series 8 was a bit like that - especially concerning Kochanski, wasn’t it?) *sigh* I hope this isn't too bad? Since I've written it as both parties are into one another just... not sure what's happening. Anyway, hope you enjoy!

Rimmer was trapped. He was trapped here with Lister, and he was going to die. He hadn’t expected the company. Cassandra said that Lister survived today’s mission, although that didn’t look very likely right now. But so far, apart from that, her prediction of his death was coming true. How wonderful.

 

Lister (the gimboid who signed them up for this suicide bonanza in the first place) wouldn’t stop rushing around looking for an escape route; rambling about how certain he was that they weren’t going to die – that it wasn’t going to happen ‘like this’. The little git’s hope made his head hurt, and his throat dry. And yet he didn’t want Lister to leave him, even though he knew that he would surely have to if he _did_ survive as Cassandra said.

 

Unable to bear it much longer, or to watch the inevitable moment when Lister left him for good, Rimmer slunk off towards Cassandra’s projection room. She greeted him with a knowing smile that sort of made him wish he could choke her.

 

‘You tried to cheat the future and failed as I knew you would,’ she said in her gentle, humming tones.

 

Rimmer sighed in defeat.

 

‘So what happens now?’ he asked. ‘How – how do I die?’

 

‘Kryten catches you making love to Lister and shoots you through the head with a harpoon gun.’

 

Rimmer stared at her.

 

‘ – Could you just double-check that?’ he asked cautiously.

 

‘I’ve seen it,’ said Cassandra firmly, ‘it’s what happens – in the old laundry room.’

 

Rimmer knew where that was – it was one of the first places they had discovered when Lister had been scrabbling about looking for an exit. Him and _Lister_? Having sex – no! Making love. _Making love_. He felt his pulse quickening. He thought he might faint.

 

‘So let me just repeat what I think you’re saying,’ he said, pacing to and fro before Cassandra. ‘Arnold – that’s _me_ , and Lister – that’s the human  _man_ – the short one you saw earlier; looks a bit like a smiling hamster but would be decent after some polishing up? Me and him, we’re in bed, giving it riz, when Kryten – that’s the mechanoid with the stupidly-shaped head – walks in and shoots me through the head while I’m _making-love-to-Lister_?’

 

‘That is what is going to happen.’

 

‘FANTASTIC!’

 

Rimmer didn’t even notice the look Cassandra gave him at his outburst. He rushed out into the corridor.

 

He had to tell Lister immediately. He picked up his pace – but found himself slowing, and then stopped about halfway back to where he’d left him.

 

How did it happen? Did he just tell Lister and then they got down to it, or would Lister pounce on him when he walked back in? Cassandra had told him it was going to happen, but not how the events would pan out. Surely that meant that there was _some_ original timeline where they had sex without Cassandra’s prompting? And was that still _this_ timeline? Either way, surely that meant that Lister _must_ want this?

 

He'd wanted to have Lister for – it felt like years, but they hadn’t been bunking together that long. Of course he’d never told him – he couldn’t have coped with Lister’s ridicule or pity. It had been even tougher in recent months; having the guy so close. This _new_ Lister who smiled at him – still teased and irritated him to the point of mania, but who had also included him in his little group from the start, even though he wasn’t quite the person Rimmer knew he was missing.

 

But this turn of events implied that Lister... if not felt the same way, then at least held some _attraction_ to him, right? There would be no ramifications, after all. _He’d_ be dead, yes, but he wouldn’t need to worry about having revealed his secret, and Listy could go about his merry business afterwards and never have to tell anyone – if that was what he wanted. And Rimmer would die happy. He could easily forget all about his imminent death if he could have this moment with Lister just once. Maybe _twice_?

 

The rest of Cassandra’s foretelling made some sense. He’d seen how weirdly protective of Lister Kryten was. Or maybe the metal goit slipped and pulled the trigger out of _shock_ at seeing them together. Anyway, it wouldn’t be Rimmer's problem once he and Kryten had done their separate deeds.

 

Glancing at his wristwatch, Rimmer straightened up and excitedly took a deep breath. He needed to tell Lister, and then they had better get cracking...

 

 

 

 

‘What are you saying to me, man?’ said Lister, sounding more high-pitched than usual since Rimmer had finished relaying Cassandra’s prediction.

 

‘I _know_ ,’ replied Rimmer ecstatically, in the process of preparing them a bed. ‘I mean, obviously we’ve been rooming together for a while but I never thought we’d actually get it on.’

 

‘Yeah, you’re not the only one!’ gasped Lister, clutching a large pipe running along the wall as he stared into space, still reeling from the news.

 

‘But apparently, we’re gonna make love. Unbe-smegging-lievable or _what_?’ Rimmer finished patting down the mattress. ‘It’s not warm in here, fancy a wee nip?’

 

‘Huh?’  Lister looked at him nervously before relaxing somewhat when he saw Rimmer get up grab a bottle. ‘Oh, no thanks, man. But... why would we just – _go_ for it, just like that?’

 

Rimmer shrugged.

 

‘Maybe we get blind drunk.’

 

‘That’s never made any difference before!’

 

‘Well, I’m about to die. Maybe you feel sorry for me. Maybe you offer it up when you realise it will be the last time you see me or speak to me.’ Rimmer looked at his watch. ‘Right! Barely an hour to go – shall we get started?’

 

Lister didn’t know where this had come from. There was the prediction, of course, and then there was Rimmer’s behaviour. How was he so okay with this? And not just _okay_ – absolutely and completely up for it.

 

‘Don’t you realise you’re gonna die?’ he asked him incredulously.

 

‘Yeah, but what a way to go!’

 

‘But we’ve never had sex!’ Lister protested. ‘We don’t _do_ that, Rimmer. Not even me and the other you.’

 

‘Oh – _him_.’ Rimmer scoffed. ‘That was different, wasn’t it? He was already dead. You’ve got me now – well, for the next hour, at least.’

 

‘But you’re always going on about what a man’s man you are, and all the women you wished you’d had sex with; their bodies and hair and – and _breasts_!’

 

Rimmer shrugged.

 

‘Yeah, I’ve changed my mind now,’ he said happily, pouring out some liquor into a glass.

 

‘Wha-?!’

 

‘Yeah, you might as well know, I suppose. I never explored my sexuality much. My family had all sorts of opinions on the gays, let me tell you! But it doesn't matter now.’

 

‘Look, Rimmer – ’

 

‘I mean obviously, I’ve always fancied you.’

 

‘ – Have you?’

 

‘Oh, yes. Can’t help myself. You drive me spare.’

 

‘Rimmer, that’s really... Who am I kidding? This is nuts!’

 

‘Listy, it’s what Cassandra _saw_. You can’t cheat fate!’

 

‘Listen, we’re not gonna have sex. We’ll wait here for Kryten, and we’ll stop him from shooting you.’

 

Rimmer snorted and walked over to a valve in the corner.

 

‘How?’ he asked, holding his drink under the small tap as he wrestled with it.

 

‘I dunno – ’ Lister shrugged, looking around the room as the pipes squeaked under Rimmer’s attempts. ‘I’ll jump him when he arrives and get the gun off him!’

 

‘The damn thing will only go off and get me anyway, Listy. You know my luck. I _appreciate_ you trying to save my life and everything, but under the circumstances, the best you can do is give me a pleasant send off!’

 

‘Well, _I’m_ not signing your death warrant. I’m _never_ getting into that bed. No smegging _way_!’

 

Rimmer twisted the valve all the way around in frustration, and there was a split second rumbling noise before the big pipe burst at the other end; spraying Lister with freezing cold water from head to toe.

 

‘ _Ah_!’ cried Lister, stilling in shock as he was drenched.

 

Hastily, Rimmer twisted the tap back and the water stopped, leaving Lister standing there, dripping and shivering.

 

‘ – Me smegging clothes!’ he hissed.

 

‘Why don’t you take them off and dry them on the heater?’ said Rimmer, gesturing to the radiator joyfully.

 

Lister sighed shakily, grabbing a ratty old towel from a shelf and wrapping it around himself as he paddled back over to Rimmer to snatch the drink off of him.

 

‘Smeg,’ he said. ‘It’s coming true. It’s all coming true!’ He downed the drink – which turned out to be neat scotch – as fast as he could.

 

‘It’s coming true!’ Rimmer repeated, beaming. ‘It’s all coming true!’

 

‘I’m s-so cold now,’ said Lister, trembling even as the alcohol burned the back of his throat.

 

 _‘This_ is how it happens,’ said Rimmer in wonder. ‘It’s not you offering me comfort for my pending death; it’s _me_ offering you warmth after the pipe bursts on you! Brilliant!’

 

Lister stared at him in disbelief.

 

‘Here,’ Rimmer murmured, putting an arm around him. ‘I’ll warm you up.’

 

 

 

 

A few minutes later, Lister lay on the makeshift bed, naked except for the blanket he had practically swaddled himself in. He doubted that he looked very sexy. He still wasn’t quite feeling it, either.

 

There was something not right about this whole ‘Rimmer and Lister make love’ thing. Apart from the obvious. It wasn’t really the idea of sex with Rimmer _itself_ that was bothering him. His own ‘kissing dreams’ about hologram Rimmer had been getting more and more steamy over the last year, and he had to admit he’d been delighted to see the man again – even this smug, nano-version of him. And he could see that Cassandra’s prediction had, so far, been horribly accurate. Minor details and all. Smeg, he even had a little tube of medicated hand cream somewhere in his uniform – not that he’d told Rimmer that yet.

 

But this whole thing still felt unnatural; out of character, even. Wasn’t this a huge waste of time? Shouldn’t they be out there in the passageways looking for an escape route? Or fixing up some elaborate padding or armour to protect Rimmer? That’s what he _had_ been doing. Why was he lying on this bed like it was his wedding night with his GELF missus all over again? Why wasn’t he fighting it?

 

Rimmer seemed perfectly happy, of course, the smeghead. He was dancing around in his t-shirt and boxers – and his smegging _socks_ as though Christmas had come early. Lister supposed he understood. He'd been without regular (real) sex for the better part of seven years, but he had never thought that the next time he got his rocks off properly it would be in  _this_  kind of scenario. And with _Rimmer._  

 

It wasn’t the biggest surprise in the world to learn that Rimmer liked men. Lister _had_ guessed; after meeting Ace – both the man himself and seeing Rimmer’s reaction to him, and also meeting Rimmer’s high and low selves during the mess with the triplicator. But that had been with a more world-wise Rimmer. Lister would never have guessed that his bunkmate had been so consciously attracted to  _him_ , especially back in the early days. Had the hologram Rimmer – _his_ Rimmer – still felt that way when he left, or didn’t he have feelings for Lister anymore?

 

Lister swallowed. He’d never had sex with a man – and neither had Rimmer by the sounds of it. According to Cassandra they were to ‘make love’ which didn’t sound aggressive or rough, but it also didn’t sound like they just got each other off quickly and then that was it. Rimmer had made it sound like they were going to make the full use of the hour – that they would take their time with each other...

 

He shivered. Oh smeg, he didn’t want Rimmer to die again. He didn’t want to see it happen. He had to stop this. He had to stand up and be ready to stop Kryten. _God_ , he was cold!

 

Rimmer rushed to his side then, shifting close on the mattress and nuzzling at Lister’s shoulder. Lister shut his eyes. Rimmer was so warm. He had to admit he was tempted.

 

‘Rimmer – ’ he whispered doubtfully.

 

Rimmer nosed the material of the blanket aside and pressed a kiss to his collarbone.

 

‘It’s all right,’ he murmured.

 

Lister gasped. This was going to be teary, emotional sex at this rate. He could hear the distant crashes of machinery, and water funnelling through pipes. He did want Rimmer and he loved him very much, but still there was something just not _right_...

 

‘One hour exactly!’ panted Rimmer with yet another quick glance at his watch. ‘ _Dave_.’

 

‘Mr. Lister!’ came a near-hysterical voice, and they both looked up to find Kryten standing over them, harpoon gun in hand. ‘Mr. – _Rimmer_?!’

 

‘Oh, bloody-buggering- _hell_!’ exclaimed Rimmer, leaning back from Lister reluctantly. ‘Tonight must be the night they put the clocks forward!’

 

Lister was holding his hands up at Kryten, when it occurred to him that he wasn’t raising or cocking the gun at all. And then he realised something, and felt stupid for not having thought of it in the first place. _Kryten wouldn’t kill a human_. Not intentionally. Not even Rimmer.

 

So... if Rimmer died by Kryten harpooning him in the head, it would surely be an accident?

 

‘Hi, Kryten,’ said Lister. ‘Nice harpoon gun.’

 

Kryten seemed to snap out of his wide-eyed daze and turned the gun over in his hands self-consciously.

 

‘Thank you, sir,’ he said. ‘Ms. Kochanski recommended it in case any of the stairs or ladders were damaged on the way.’

 

‘Could you pass it here – ? Careful, yeah?!’

 

‘Oh, of course, sir,’ said Kryten merrily, and did as he was told.

 

Lister carefully took the gun in his hands and rested it on the mattress – aimed _away_ from Rimmer.

 

‘So, why did they send you, man?’ he asked Kryten. ‘You’re not even waterproof.’

 

Rimmer huffed.

 

‘Isn’t it obvious?’ he snapped, sitting up. ‘He was sent because fate dictated that I’m not allowed _any_ breaks _ever_.’

 

Lister rolled his eyes at that.

 

‘The warden thought it best – ’ Kryten explained. ‘After all, if _I_ die, they don’t have another casualty on their hands – technically speaking.’ He grimaced unhappily.

 

‘Oh – how _sad_ for you,’ said Rimmer.

 

‘I don’t get it,’ said Lister, ignoring him, ‘Cassandra said that Rimmer dies – ’ He looked at Rimmer. ‘But if you don’t die by _Kryten_ killing you, then how do you die? And why would Cassandra lie about it? Unless – you _don’t_.’

 

‘What?’ said Rimmer. ‘Of course I die.’

 

‘But you _haven’t_ yet.’ Lister pointed at him, and then looked back up at Kryten. ‘Cassandra told Rimmer that he dies by _you_ walking in on us in bed together, and that you then shoot him through the head with the harpoon gun.’ He patted the gun thoughtfully. ‘But why the smeg would she say it was gonna happen if it _wasn’t_?’

 

He stood, tightening the blanket around him and heading over to where his Canaries uniform was drying on the radiator.

 

‘Hm,’ said Kryten. ‘I think I have a theory.’

 

‘Do you?’ Rimmer snapped at him. ‘That’s more than _I’m_ getting.’

 

Lister shook his head and turned back to Kryten.

 

‘What if Cassandra told the pair of you that you were – erm... in bed together,’ Kryten began uncomfortably, ‘in order to try and _get_ you into bed with each other?’

 

‘Why would she do that?’ asked Lister, frowning as he rummaged in the pockets of his uniform and fished out a damp packet of chewing gum.

 

‘Well – if my theory is correct, then Mr. Rimmer _doesn’t_ die here – or even today. But Cassandra _wanted_ to try and make that happen, too. To kill him would put at least one of us out of action, but also have ramifications for another. I think I’m right in saying that Mr. Rimmer’s death would cause you _some_ grief, Mr. Lister – '

 

Rimmer rolled his eyes as Kryten continued.

 

' - and in turn, greatly upset _me_ for killing a human, and for causing Mr. Lister grief. I believe that Cassandra was trying to punish or even kill one particular person. One of _us_.’

 

Lister stuffed a piece of gum into his mouth and chewed loudly as he thought Kryten’s words through.

 

‘But _why_?’ he asked.

 

‘Because Cassandra must know – and perhaps would always have known – how she dies. My guess is that at some point in the future, one of us kills her.’

 

‘Oh, it’s _definitely_ me!’ said Rimmer, scrambling to his feet with a rabid look on his face.

 

 

 

Kryten and Lister managed to wrestle the glass of scotch off Rimmer before he could hurl it at Cassandra’s projection, but the man settled for hurling a tirade of abuse at her instead.

 

‘SMEGGING, BUGGERING, GITTING, GOITING – !’

 

Cassandra fixed the three of them with a withering stare as she watched Rimmer finally shake Lister and Kryten off and march out. Kryten watched him go fearfully.

 

‘We’d better not hang around much longer, sir,’ he said to Lister, placing the scotch on a table before he left too.

 

Lister looked back at Cassandra, still chewing his gum. He was grateful he hadn’t swallowed it during the scuffle with Rimmer. He grimaced. He’d managed to get mostly back into his damp uniform but it was chafing horribly around his privates.

 

 ‘I don’t get you,’ he said to her irritably. ‘Whatever you saw of the future, Rimmer would never have wanted to kill you if you hadn’t messed with him like that.’

 

‘Oh, Dave,’ purred Cassandra, shaking her head. ‘I never said it was _Rimmer_ who kills me.’

 

Lister stared at her.

 

‘Oh, _come on_ ,’ he said. ‘ _I’m_ not gonna kill you!’

 

‘I never said _that_ , either.’

 

‘Right, well – good. See you, kid-eh’

 

He nodded at her, removing his gum and sticking it on the wall. It was rude, but it only served her right for being so cruel, he thought. He was about halfway out of the room when he heard a small click, and returned just in time to see his gum get catapulted across the room by the now activated fan it had landed on, knocking the glass of scotch over and onto Cassandra’s power cables.

 

‘ - Although you _do_ ,’ drawled Cassandra, glaring at him before her projection unit exploded.

 

‘Smeg,’ said Lister, nodding apologetically at the smoking metal heap as he left. ‘ _Smeg_.’

**Author's Note:**

> I really would have liked to have Kochanski discover the boys, but I’ve never been able to marry up how the hell Kryten figures out Cassandra’s plan when he isn’t actually there to know that she’s tried to force Rimmer and Kochanski together. And so I wrote Kryten somehow finding another way in (as he’s not waterproof, and it’s never explained how Rimmer and Kochanski swim back to the diving bell anyway so I’ve decided to just assume there was another route that wasn’t flooded but locked from the outside) so he can witness things and then solve the problem. Also, I just think that Kryten would be more upset by discovering Lister with in bed with someone than Kochanski would – at least in this series, and therefore a more realistic candidate to shoot Rimmer, even accidentally.
> 
> I may continue this with happier follow-up.


End file.
